Midnight...It's the point when today is no longer today and tommorrow has become my reality. I love it. I love feeling everything that I hoped for kind of...Fade away...because at this time...It doesn't matter...I am all that I am and that's it. All I say and do...hope and feel adds up to the sum of one simple being. I'm too complex for my own good. Sometimes I wish I could explain exactly what I'm feeling..but I realize the beauty of not understanding it. I guess it's a good thing. I can know what point is what and where to draw the line while learning more about myself the entire time...I like that feeling, ya know? When you sit and think about one of life's meaningless questions and all of the sudden it hits you...Like a ton of bricks...and you understand a part of yourself that you never knew exisited. Or maybe..My insanity has just reached it's max..And I've forgotten how to feel again. Not that impossible you know...I wish I could understand the unexplainable. See the invisible. Think the unthinkable. It would be amazing to know everything you've wanted to know since birth...But so sad at the same time. Think of how horrible that would be..never feeling anything new..never learning more....Just...Knowing...It kills all faith..All belief. Leaving you with a hollow shell of a being. It would be sad to know everything...

So Lonely.

So Cold.

But I suppose it already is. I think it's funny how we depend on each other...I know that I would be no where if it wheren't for my friends...I would feel nothing...want nothing...I would just be... The people I'm closest to have taught me more about life and less about people than anyone could imagine. It's hard to explain..The feeling I've felt and the emotions that have overwelmed me. I feel like nothing without the people I depend on. You've taught me to see things differently...to seek out beauty in all..And I don't even think you realize it...Or you ever will...But I know it...And I guess that's all that matters.

I find it interesting...I never really know what I'm thinking until I've written it down. I never know what I feel until it begins to control my being. Saddness is just a phase...Love lasts forever. Hate is just a haze...Truth seeks out something greater.

I close my eyes and I feel something that is not real...I know something that doesn't exist...Maybe it's because I'm so dead that I feel alive...Maybe it's because I'm sleeping and dreaming that I'm doing all of this. We all mold into something greater together anyways...It's like that time when I was picking glass strawberries off a glass tree with Jake...but I doubt he'd remember that...Since it was only a dream...Shelby was there too, she made me laugh...I remember thinking to myself, my dream self that is, that I never wanted to wake up...I felt so warm right there... Eating a fruit that did not and does not exist with my baby sister and my closest friend. I remember, there where clocks floating and every one had a different time...Since time did not exsist...There was no need. The only thing there was was emotion...The only thing I felt...was joy...Or was it sorrow..They clash so well. I remember running next...The strawberies where huge...Clear...Water like...The sweetest addiction ever...Then we where on a train...Jake was asleep..And Shelby had run off with a strange boy...I knew that emotion so well...I can still feel it...Loss...Not loss of my sister...but loss of a reality "Don't wake up" I kept telling myself...Until..the sunlight overthrew me..And there was no Jake..There was no Shelby..No strawberries...Just...me..A shallow hollow shell of a being..Then a crisp breeze swept across my face..And I looked the morning in the eye...it was time to feel again...And the first thing I felt was fear...What if they didn't exist..What if Jake and Shelby where nothing more than the creation of a lonely mind...? Terrified...So so scared. I find myself wanting so badly to return to that dream..Ever hour of everyday since I've had it...I've longed to go home..That dream is home. And I can never feel that again...At least there's a Jake and a Shelby to talk to...I hope they're not the desprate creation of a shattered heart and a lonely mind...But then again, life has no bounds...

I guess the only true comfort we have in life are the creations of our minds...They fill the holes in our tattered souls and make us into the people we are today...They make the emotions that we feel...Perfect, in a sense. But then again...nothing is ever perfect..Perfect is too easy...And love is too complicated....Friendship is the essence of all that we are. Dependent humans, I suppose. Maybe you should take away my thinking privledges. They're not going to good use not making any real sense...but I guess they never did...I've never felt that I was understood...Except once...Richard seemed to understand me but that fell apart, now didn't it? I kind of like feeling mysterious but I like feeling like someone gets what I'm saying...People tell me all the time that my writing's good and that it's pretty...But it's followed by "What does it mean?" or "what's it about?" and that's something...That I can never tell. No, it's not because I long to be secretive...It's because I want the world...Every seperte person to feel whatever it is that makes them feel...If I write something about a friend and they can relay it to their sibling..Then that's what that poem's about...it's about their sibling to them...it will be about a friend to me until the day I die..But that won't ever matter because...I know what I feel...I know what I think...i just think that everyone else should know themselves like I do. They should know what thought is triggered by what word and what emotion overtakes them when they hear a certain phrase...i refuse to feed them the answers to this so called test...That's life, right? A test..To see if we're strong enough..Worthy enough...

You've always been worthy in my eyes...Since the day I met you...Don't ever forget that.

I guess I still have everything I came here with...My soul is still attached and I'm only missing half of my heart...Can I please have it back...? It hurts right here..Where you accdently molded yourself into my very being..Did you even notice....? I didn't think so.

Every memory I have will always fill my eyes the way you do at this very moment.

I've been writing for an hour and a half...Backspacing and deleting..Adding and re-adding. I doubt anyone will ever read all of this...It's foolish nonsense to you...but so complete to me.

Even if...

I could never be complete.

I need to go on pretending that I am....

Tavis just said that everyone was awake where he was...And in that second...In the time it took him to say "Everyone's awake here" the world burst into a freenzy of motion...Everything felt so alive for half a second of forever...

Yes, half a second of forever...it's an eturnity in itself, you understand, right?

It's cold here...i think I want to go back home...My dream awaits my arrivel..Too bad that will never come...

Too bad I will never be...

Two hours of typing..Proven useful to the human mind at all? I doubt it...I hope you draw as much from this as I have...had...and will....


I guess I'll never be truly complete...but I'll always love you...